I've Never Been (un)Happier Read online

  Depression has given me perspective. My notions of success, beauty, fame, power—ideas that controlled me for so long—have all changed. I’m not entirely immune to them—I’m only human—and there are days on which feelings of inferiority do still take hold of me. But on days like that I just need reminding. It has magnified and multiplied the empathy within me and it has fanned the sparks of creativity. It has taught me how to be alone and how to find comfort in myself. It has made me love more fiercely and with abandon. It has not simply made me tolerant of the differences of others, it has shone a light on the beauty of that dissimilarity. It showed me that just because you don’t understand something, it doesn’t mean it’s bad or wrong or that it needs to be feared. It showed me that most of the anger and negativity around us stems from fear, and it showed me kindness is the only way forward.

  There is nothing glorious or freeing or romantic or lovely about depression. Depression is a monster, a villain and thief, but even the worst of experiences teach you something. Depression has taken a lot from me and it has also given me a lot, but only because I eventually demanded it. I demanded my lessons and I took them head on. ‘You must not allow your pain to be wasted, Shaheen,’ my father once said to me. I chant that quietly to myself—‘My pain must not be wasted,’ I say—and I try to learn, I try to do. I grieve and cry and hurt but I also take my medication and go to therapy. I watch my soul being bent and twisted into painful, unnatural shapes and then I marvel at how I’ve never seen it from those angles before. There are still days and weeks and months when I am also consumed by it, when I forget all my lessons, when I forget everything but the pain. And that’s also when I turn to the very idea I’m afraid of: transience.

  I remind myself if happiness is fleeting, then so is sadness.

  I remind myself depression is the weather, and I’m a weather-worn tree.

  I remind myself even the worst storms pass.

  I remind myself I’ve survived them all.

  Acknowledgements

  I would like to thank:

  Rukun and Naomi, for giving me the ultimate shot at catharsis—with one little meeting at a Bandra tea room you offered me the chance to redefine my relationship with myself.

  Dipti, my infinitely patient guiding light on this very daunting and transformative journey—baring my soul to you could not have been easier or more rewarding.

  Dorita, meticulous and ever-watchful—thank you for having my back and putting up with my consistently appalling response times to absolutely everything.

  My family, my beating heart, you know.

  My grandparents Nindi and Trudy—all that I am begins with you. Thank you for my childhood and everything that has come since.

  Rohan, for cheerfully journeying to the flaming depths of hell with me and handing me a pair of kick-ass sunglasses and a hose with which to put out the flames.

  Sid, Shah and Chow, my friends in the best of times, my family in the worst of times. Thank you for every ‘misspent’ minute of my youth.

  Akhil, for fifteen years of love, constancy and never failing to be the most interesting person in my life.

  Every single person who has every written me a kind message, letter or comment. This book was borne from the knowledge that I am not alone. Thank you for showing me every day that we’re all in this together.

  References

  “Causes of Depression”. WebMD. https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/causes-depression#1.

  “Depression”. The National Institute of Mental Health, February 2018. https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml.

  “Depression – Let’s Talk”. World Health Organization, April 7, 2017. http://www.who.int/mental_health/management/depression/en/.

  Foer, Jonathan Safran. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Wilmington: Mariner Books, 2005.

  Jamison, Kay Redfield. An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness. New York: A.A. Knopf, 1995.

  Kerr, Michael. “Major Depressive Disorder (Clinical Depression)”. Healthline, 2017. https://www.healthline.com/health/clinical-depression#causes.

  MacGill, Markus. “What Is Depression and What Can I Do About It?” Medical News Today, November 30, 2017. https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/kc/depression-causes-symptoms-treatments-8933.

  Merkin, Daphne. This Close to Happy: A Reckoning with Depression. New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 2017.

  Miranda, Lin-Manuel. “Hamilton: An American Musical”. In Hamilton: The Revolution. Edited by Jeremy McCarter. New York: Grand Central Publishing, 2016.

  Palahnuik, Chuck. Fight Club. New York: W.W. Norton & Company, 1996.

  Plath, Sylvia. The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath. New York: Anchor, 1982.

  Schimelpfening, Nancy. “The 9 Most Common Causes of Depression”. Very Well Mind, April 30, 2018. https://www.verywellmind.com/common-causes-of-depression-1066772.

  Solomon, Andrew. The Noonday Demon: An Anatomy of Depression. New York: Scribner, 2002.

  “The Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous”. Alcoholics Anonymous. https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/about-aa/the-12-steps-of-aa.

  Wallace, David Foster. Infinite Jest. New York: Bay Back Books, 1996.

  “What Is Depression?” American Psychiatric Association, January 2017. https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/depression/what-is-depression.

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  First published in Penguin Books by Penguin Random House India 2018

  Copyright © Shaheen Bhatt 2018

  The moral right of the author has been asserted

  This digital edition published in 2018.

  e-ISBN: 978-9-353-05214-0

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